Wednesday, May 1, 2013

on firsts.

firsts are weird. 

there are good firsts: first day of school, first love, first real vacation, first day at a dream job.

firsts bring with them much anticipation and excitement tinged with anxiety.  we tend to fear that which we do not know, and firsts are, generally speaking, when we wade into unknown territories.

still, despite any anxiousness or trepidation, firsts can be exhilarating.

i love firsts.  while i may torture myself with nerves and what-ifs, there is something about a first experience that speaks to my soul.  no matter how nervous i may be going into a first, once i’m in it, i’m golden—enjoying the experience and trying to take it all in.

then there are firsts like today.

today, the first of may, would have been my father’s 60th birthday.

it is my family’s first time not having him here on this day. 

this first does not contain the excitement and possibility that most do.  instead it is riddled with sadness and regret.  today is a raw nerve, constantly being exposed to the elements.

i miss my dad. 

i wish i could have celebrated his last birthday with him by taking him to see the avengers instead of calling his hospital room. i’m glad i at least got to send him his favorite birthday treats and that he enjoyed them.

i do not relish this first.