on firsts.

firsts are weird. 

there are good firsts: first day of school, first love, first real vacation, first day at a dream job.

firsts bring with them much anticipation and excitement tinged with anxiety.  we tend to fear that which we do not know, and firsts are, generally speaking, when we wade into unknown territories.

still, despite any anxiousness or trepidation, firsts can be exhilarating.

i love firsts.  while i may torture myself with nerves and what-ifs, there is something about a first experience that speaks to my soul.  no matter how nervous i may be going into a first, once i’m in it, i’m golden—enjoying the experience and trying to take it all in.

then there are firsts like today.

today, the first of may, would have been my father’s 60th birthday.

it is my family’s first time not having him here on this day. 

this first does not contain the excitement and possibility that most do.  instead it is riddled with sadness and regret.  today is a raw nerve, constantly being exposed to the elements.

i miss my dad. 

i wish i could have celebrated his last birthday with him by taking him to see the avengers instead of calling his hospital room. i’m glad i at least got to send him his favorite birthday treats and that he enjoyed them.

i do not relish this first.

on procrastination and preparation.

i'm avoiding the digital mountain of papers awaiting me on my flash drive.

actually, this is a kind of forced procrastination because the learning management software we use at school is moving SO SLOWLY this morning.  it takes about five minutes to upload a graded paper and post a grade.  ain't nobody got time for that.

so i'm putting grading off and venturing into slightly more terrifying waters: prep for my new lit class.

y'all, i'm freaking giddy with excitement over my new class, post-apocalyptic and dystopian narratives, but i'm also kind of nervous.

these are some of my favorite texts. like ever. 

i don't want to get into this class, have students screw my favorite books up and ruin them for me forever.  that's kind of my greatest fear.

but i'm trying to be brave.  i'm putting content up, developing assignments, and ordering materials with reckless abandon, hoping the entire time that my students can live up to my ideal. we'll see about that.

no one could ever possibly make me hate fahrenheit 451, right?  RIGHT?!

on losses.

this beautiful, loving, smart, sassy girl has been lost.

after becoming very ill, i was forced to put my sweet baby to sleep this morning.  i've had her for almost half of my life, and my heart is just broken.

she stole my heart as a puppy and has held it ever since.

i like to think, that despite our despair here without her, she has been reunited with her big brother, Boommer, and her grandpa.  Together, they will romp and play, drink coffee, eat strawberry cake, and be happy.

i'm so thankful i got to be with her in her last moments, scratching her ears just the way she loved.

my sweet goose, pumpkin, chuck, gansita, monkey, stinks, baby girl --i love you and will always miss you.  there's a catahoula-sized hole in my heart that no one but you can fill.

on updates.

so, i haven’t posted anything in quite a while, but i have been writing in other ways.  nothing too huge has been going on in my life lately, so i haven’t needed to rely on my blog for therapy lately—which i’m sure you appreciate.

since i don’t really have too much to say today, i thought i’d provide a little update on things i’m doing right now:

1. i love my job—still.  even with all its daily drama, stress, and whatnot, my job rocks.  i have terrific coworkers, a handful of truly amazing and inspiring students, and i get to talk about what i love every day.
2. my bestie is having a rough time with luck right now.  i hate this and really hope things begin to look up soon.  he deserves the world, and i hope he knows it.
3. i’ve sent my bradbury paper to a few trusted peeps for some general feedback.  then, once i get their comments, i’ll farm it out for possible publication.  did i really just type that?  yikes.  things just got real.
4. i’m thinking about volunteering during the summer.  i lucked out and get to take summer ii off, which means i have nothing to do between july 4 and august 27, so i thought i might get out into the community and do some good.  i’m currently looking at a few organizations i’d like to work with.  hopefully something will stick.
5. i’ve recently redecorated my office and my bedroom.
6. my post-apocalyptic/dystopian class goes live in the fall!

that’s pretty much what’s going on in my life right now.

on community.

i spent four years as strictly an adjunct instructor.

being an adjunct is difficult. 

you are a part of the faculty, but in a diminished, displaced kind of way. you have no campus base, other than whatever division you are based out of.  you share a computer, printer, and everything else.  the only thing that is really and truly yours is your class and your mailbox.   you know some people, but most of the non-students milling around campus are foreign to you.  you have surface-level relationships with full time faculty and other adjuncts--you say hello, inquire about classes and vacations, but never really have a conversation.  you aren't quite faculty, but you still teach and do most of the things faculty members do--you just have to store everything in your car.

think of it as faculty-lite. 

then i got a full-time visiting scholar position.  and suddenly the community college where i teach became part of my actual community.

i got to know my colleagues.  we have actual conversations about more than just classes or SLOs.  we laugh a lot.  we discuss big issues and tiny little bits of minutiae

this part is so foreign to me, and i struggle with it every day.  i'm not used to having "work friends".  for the better part of five years i have been pretty isolated at work--just me, my students, and an occasional full-timer stopping by.  suddenly i'm surrounded by people who know my name and want to know about me and what i think.  it's pretty weird.  but also pretty cool. 

part of this is probably just the very fact that adjuncts are constantly on the move.  they often teach at multiple schools and spend little quality time on any one campus.  the opposite is true of full-time faculty.  yes, we have the same breaks and vacations, but we also have campus homes that allow us to hang out a little longer. 

i'm lucky in that i have two campus homes.  when i was brought on full-time, i was asked to be the designated english faculty at one of our community campuses--a smaller version of the main college campus where i've spent the last four years.  with that appointment came an office.  and a second office at the main campus so that when i have meetings i have a place to land.

my campus homes aren't much--in fact my main campus office is a bit drab (i'm not really there enough to justify making it lovely)--but they are mine.  my own private little space in a sea of people.

all this is to say that this week i feel fortunate to be surrounded by wonderful, funny people who have begun to think of me as one of their own and to have my own little islands of solitude where i can work, play, and get away from it all when i need to.

on 2012.

2012 is finally over. THANK GOD!  2012 rewind, here i go:

worst parts: losing loved ones: daddy, mary, shane, bella, and zoe; the passing of ray bradbury; kristy moving

best parts: hot springs with nick, willie nelson, rodeo with gabe, pulling off nick's party, glen rose with mom, going full-time

let’s be frank:  this year was shit. it was awful in every sense of the word.  but i know that i have it better and easier than so many others, despite the year's tremendous hardships.  so now on to the resolutions.

in 2012, i resolved to:
1) work seriously on the bradbury project. maybe even go to ohio to see the manuscripts.
-yes.  while i never did make it to ohio, i did finish this project.  FINALLY.
2) learn the new sewing machine (emmie) backwards and forwards
-yes.  emmie and i have a great relationship.
3) cook more
-sure.  this one is kind of hard to gauge since so much of the year was spent traveling between the house and various hospitals.  mom cooked a lot, but we ate out a lot, too.  i going to call this one a fail.

in 2013, i will:
1)  write more—even if it’s just five minutes a day
2)  choose joy

best of 2012 (the best things i've encountered this year [either truly great or awesomely bad or entertaining])
books:
*shadow divers – robert kurson
*the big sleep – raymond chandler
*dark places – gillian flynn
*graceling – kristin cashore
*never let me go – kazuo ishiguro

albums:
*fallen empires – snow patrol
*leaving eden – carolina chocolate drops
*california 37 - train
*tornado - little big town
*the lumineers – the lumineers
*corn money - defibulators

movies:
*the ides of march
*drive
*the hunger games
*the raven
*abraham lincoln: vampire hunter
*marvel’s the avengers
*the muppets
*silver linings playbook
*skyfall

2012 in review (quotes from my dear neglected blog):

janeiro: "poetry is pure.  it is simple.  it is the essence of life."

fevereiro: " dear mystery blog-reader, i appreciate the whitman gift more than you could ever know."

marco: "i really wanted to like this book."

abril: " i only have 29 days until the ban is lifted."

maio: "what book will you buy first?” was the question i was asked most during my last week of the book-buying-ban.”

junho: "goodbye, mr. bradbury.  and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."

julho: "will i ever feel up to writing again?”

agosto: "officer:  i'm going to need a volunteer to act as our pack leader.  remember, this is a fight for your lives!’ / my good friend and colleague:  ‘i volunteer as tribute!’”

setembro: " we all sit on pins and needles, a little nervous, in the words of seamus heaney "a little emptier, a little spent."

outubro: "but i don't know how to say it or even if i should.  so i remain silent, unsure, restless, and sad.”

novembro: no posts

dezembro: no posts

on helplessness.

i just don't know what to say to or how to help many of my students this week.  they are dealing with a very difficult situation the best way they can, and i, the person who is supposed to be their leader, have no words to guide them.

perhaps a bit of explanation is helpful.

i teach at a school that has a large number of dual credit students--high school juniors and seniors who are taking college level courses.  the high school that nearly all of my students this semester come from has experienced the death of two students in three days.

those of you in the dfw area have probably seen/heard the news.  sunday afternoon, a seventeen year old student was cliff-diving at a local lake with some friends--out celebrating the week's victories and generally being young.  he jumped into the 70' deep water and didn't surface.  search teams are still trying to locate his body. 

this kid was a football and academic star at his high school and a dual credit student in one of my colleague's classes.

while i didn't know this young man personally, i do have many of his very good friends, fellow football players, and classmates in my own classes.  including his best friend since kindergarten.

this kid's best friend, my student, was there when he dove off the cliff.  he made the 911 call.  he faced what no eighteen year old should have to: the death of his best friend.

i simply cannot imagine what he must have felt.  i don't know how i would be able to process the situation and move on.  the fact that he was in my classroom powering through a midterm today speaks volumes about the content of his character and strength.

my student is one of those big, goofy guys with a great nature and the ability to laugh at everything.  he's silly, and everyone seems to like him.  i sincerely hope that this event doesn't change him--that his nature stays intact.  i hope that he is getting the help he needs to get through this--whatever that looks like.

on tuesday, another of their classmates died, this one from suicide.  nothing much has been reported on it, but my students--just beginning to catch their breaths--were left empty once again. 

now there are two empty chairs in their classrooms.  two lockers that will have to be cleaned out by parents.  two open seats in the lunchroom.

it's been a sad week on campus.  everywhere you look there are red-rimmed eyes, tissues, solemn faces, and willing counselors.  the "traditional" college students have no idea what's going on; they look around at the sadness and seem a bit lost.

we have been encouraged by the administration to be "lenient" and "compassionate," and that obviously makes sense, but what i'm struggling with is the balance.  how can i serve both masters?  how can i, someone dealing with her own grief, ask these poor kids to buck up and continue working on some seemingly meaningless research paper?  how can i ignore the bigger knowledge that this week will not define their lives--that they are still very much alive--and allow them to slack off?  i want to take it easy on them, but i still have to teach them.

but teach them what, exactly?  english/composition/rhetoric/research strategies is the easy answer.  but i feel like i should be giving them more--especially now.  they don't know i'm grieving, too, for someone else entirely.  they don't know that they aren't alone in this gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, life-altering time. 

basically, i feel helpless.

nothing i say or do is going to help them through their pain--their grief.  i know this, because nothing that has been said to me has helped me in any real way.  grief is an individual process; everyone has to find his own path.

but i do want them to know i'm here.  i'm thinking about them and what they are going through.  my heart is breaking for them.

but i don't know how to say it or even if i should.  so i remain silent, unsure, restless, and sad.