Tuesday, September 11, 2012

on history and violence.

so it's that day again.

we all sit on pins and needles, a little nervous, in the words of seamus heaney "a little emptier, a little spent."

i've written about september 11th before back in 2009, when i was still relatively new to teaching, and last year, on the tenth anniversary.  i've said just about all i have to say.

in some ways, this day seems ordinary.

but, as i sit in my dim office about to go home, i have realized that it hasn't been an ordinary day after all.

i haven't been myself today.  i've not joked around or spoken to many people when i didn't absolutely have to.

i've been in a mood today--not wanting to deal with the trivial problems of my students.  my very young students who were six years old when the twin towers fell and who, for the mere reason of their age, have no real recollection of just how big a deal today is.

i resent them for their innocence.  for their carefree-ness today.

i hope they enjoy their freedom and that they never have to divide their lives into two categories--pre- and post-.

that's all i have to say.

Monday, September 3, 2012

on tears.

geez, guys.  i've turned into quite a sap.

i've never been like this before--mushy and weepy and breaking down at every little trivial emotional moment.

for the longest time, my best friend and i have joked that i'm dead inside--unable to form an emotion when dealing with art--film, tv, books, etc--or people who i don't really have a deep connection with.

i was like "oh, he broke up with you?  that sucks."  not all "ohmygodwhatonearthwillyoudowithouthim...i'm so sad, let's eat cookie dough and brush each others' hair."

hell, i'd only ever cried at three movies in my entire life--life is beautiful (but, curiously, only in italian--the english dubbed version just doesn't do it), up (bite me, pixar) and steel magnolias.

don't get me wrong, i could cry.  but only when it was entirely necessary.  especially when i was feeling super-stressed or worried.  i'd save it all up, have one good breakdown, then buck up and carry on.

then my dad died. 

and i cried. (duh).  a lot.

and ever since then, it's like i'm no longer dead inside.  emotion pours from me my eyes all the time.  i'm no longer in control.  i'm like a freaking girl.

i hear a sad song, i cry.

i see a lost dog on the side of the road, i cry.

i watch a sad commercial, i cry.

this may come as a revelation (especially given the content of this blog as of late), but i hate crying in front of people and will mask it just about any way i can.  out of sheer willpower i will force the tears away just to avoid anyone seeing.

this has been harder lately.

i went to see that stupid freaking pixar movie, brave, with a dear friend a while back.  even though rationally i knew that the mom wasn't going to die and that everything would work out in the end, i couldn't help but tear up.  (stupid pixar and their stupid forced emotional manipulation.  fuck you, pixar.)

while making dinner for my best friend a few weeks ago, i thought he was upset with me and i cried.  like a baby.

while sitting in my office at work the other day i heard a song on my ipod that reminded me of fishing.  which reminded me of my dad.  and i cried.

tonight, while reading a blog about how someone celebrated their parents' 60th anniversary, i cried.  my eyes are still wet while i type this.

so, what's the point?

i don't know that there is one.

i don't like this, that's for sure. 

i'm not the girliest girl you'll ever meet, so this crying at the drop of a hat thing is kind of pissing me off. 

but i can't help but think that it's a natural part of this disaster that's become my life of late.  i hope that this, like so many other things, weakens and fades away.

and that one day i'm dead inside again.  only then can i really feel like me.