Monday, September 3, 2012

on tears.

geez, guys.  i've turned into quite a sap.

i've never been like this before--mushy and weepy and breaking down at every little trivial emotional moment.

for the longest time, my best friend and i have joked that i'm dead inside--unable to form an emotion when dealing with art--film, tv, books, etc--or people who i don't really have a deep connection with.

i was like "oh, he broke up with you?  that sucks."  not all "ohmygodwhatonearthwillyoudowithouthim...i'm so sad, let's eat cookie dough and brush each others' hair."

hell, i'd only ever cried at three movies in my entire life--life is beautiful (but, curiously, only in italian--the english dubbed version just doesn't do it), up (bite me, pixar) and steel magnolias.

don't get me wrong, i could cry.  but only when it was entirely necessary.  especially when i was feeling super-stressed or worried.  i'd save it all up, have one good breakdown, then buck up and carry on.

then my dad died. 

and i cried. (duh).  a lot.

and ever since then, it's like i'm no longer dead inside.  emotion pours from me my eyes all the time.  i'm no longer in control.  i'm like a freaking girl.

i hear a sad song, i cry.

i see a lost dog on the side of the road, i cry.

i watch a sad commercial, i cry.

this may come as a revelation (especially given the content of this blog as of late), but i hate crying in front of people and will mask it just about any way i can.  out of sheer willpower i will force the tears away just to avoid anyone seeing.

this has been harder lately.

i went to see that stupid freaking pixar movie, brave, with a dear friend a while back.  even though rationally i knew that the mom wasn't going to die and that everything would work out in the end, i couldn't help but tear up.  (stupid pixar and their stupid forced emotional manipulation.  fuck you, pixar.)

while making dinner for my best friend a few weeks ago, i thought he was upset with me and i cried.  like a baby.

while sitting in my office at work the other day i heard a song on my ipod that reminded me of fishing.  which reminded me of my dad.  and i cried.

tonight, while reading a blog about how someone celebrated their parents' 60th anniversary, i cried.  my eyes are still wet while i type this.

so, what's the point?

i don't know that there is one.

i don't like this, that's for sure. 

i'm not the girliest girl you'll ever meet, so this crying at the drop of a hat thing is kind of pissing me off. 

but i can't help but think that it's a natural part of this disaster that's become my life of late.  i hope that this, like so many other things, weakens and fades away.

and that one day i'm dead inside again.  only then can i really feel like me.


The Humble Narcissist said...

First of all, yes, Pixar can go to hell, ESPECIALLY for Up. While I love that movie so much it's not even funny (honestly one of the best movies I've ever seen about learning to let go), they're still on my shit list for making me bawl within the first fucking FIVE minutes. Jerks.

The way you talk about how the death of your dad has affected your emotions reminds me of how getting pregnant and having a kiddo have affected mine. (Not mommy-jacking you here, I have a valid point.) I think that there are certain major occurrences that happen in people's live that change them, permanently. And yeah, I know that's not what you want to hear. I know you want to go back to being "dead" inside. (Which, even though you and I have only had limited interaction, I have to call out as bullshit. I've seen you passionate about your work, your books, your friends, etc. You might be a little more on the logical guy side of emotion in general, but when it comes down to it, you've always had the potential for "sappage.")

Anywho, I thought maybe I'd be able to bounce back to being at least a little harder hearted after I got rid of those whacked-out hormones. No such luck.

Plus, as we age, we seem to become more sensitive as well. My dad NEVER used to cry, ever. Now, I know that an appropriately worded card I wrote can cause him to tear up.

I still get mad at being so sensitive. Craig thinks it's funny when I'm simultaneously crying and cursing a blue streak about what's making me cry. It's incredibly frustrating to not have control over your own goddamned tear ducts. But honestly? There's nothing you can do about it. So learn to deal with it first, and then OWN that shit.

"Yeah, that's right. I cry. Why the fuck don't you? Freak."

As we age and tick off more and more items on our "significant life experiences" list, we change. You're never going to feel like the you, you were again--because that's not who you are anymore. Accept that and then start figuring out what it feels like to feel like the "you" you are now. (Convoluted enough for you?)

Much love, my dear girl.

duessa said...

I don't include passion and emotion in the same category for whatever reason. I guess they're connected, but I see them so differently.

If they're the same thing, then you're right. I've always been "emotional" when it really matters--when it's something I care about. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that now I'm "emotional" all the time--even when it's something completely not worth my time and energy (see Pixar).

You've hit on what I'm most afraid of...the permanence of this crying thing.

I don't want to be that person, but I guess, yet again, you're right. I just have to give in and deal.

I can learn to own it, even if I don't like it.

On the positive side, it's nice to know I'm not the only tear-filled mess in the world.

But pixar can still go fuck themselves.